Category Archives: Humor
Culture War Articles of Surrender.
by Stephen Pizzo | November 20, 2012
It’s time to start setting out terms of surrender for the GOP’s culture warriors. I am not going to insist that their surrender be unconditional. After all, as a student of history, I remember well what happened after WW I when the French and British exacted unreasonably harsh terms on the Germans. That just set the stage for the next war, and another culture war is the last thing we need.
Therefore I will be generous. For starters, no one goes to the gallows.
But there are some bottom line concessions we should insist upon. So here’s a first rough draft of the GOP’s Culture Wars Terms of Surrender:
Article One: We, (hereafter meaning the GOP) acknowledge a fertilized human egg is no more a person than a fertilized chicken egg is a chicken.
Article Two: Evolution is science. Creationism is not science. Evolution belongs in science classes. Creationism belongs in church.
Article Three: Corporations are political entities created for legal and tax reasons only. Corporations are not now, nor have they ever been, the same thing as “people.” After all, if corporations were really persons, and treated accordingly, prisons would be filled with boards of directors. Since they are not, we hereby acknowledge the difference.
Article Four: We acknowledge that wealth has never trickled down. We admit that this is especially true for the American economy, which is 70% driven by consumers consuming. We acknowledge the direct cause-effect relationship between consumers spending money on stuff and the wealth of those who produce that stuff; to wit, wealth trickling up, not down. We apologize for any inconvenience or hardships our previous cyclical and self-serving position on this matter may have caused.
Article Five: We hereby acknowledge that the First Amendment’s clause on religion only bars the government from establishing or favoring an official religion, or discriminating against particular religion(s). The First Amendment does not, we acknowledge, give any particular religion, no matter how demographically dominant, the right to impose their beliefs on those who do not share them. Nor does the First Amendment allow any religion to impose its beliefs in public schools or enshrined in government policy.
Article Six: We hereby acknowledge that climate change is not only real, but in large part the fault of mankind’s careless and wanton use of fossil fuels. And, we admit here that our earlier position, as noted in the bumper sticker slogan: “Drill Baby, Drill,” was actually, “Dumb Baby, Dumb.” (Special apologies offered to the citizens of New Jersey.)
Article Seven: We promise to cease opposition to scientifically-sound alternative energy. We also acknowledge that other countries are pulling ahead of the US in the development of financially and ecologically sustainable alternative energy solutions. Germany, for example, now produces a surplus of solar-produced electrical power. We hereby acknowledge we missed the boat on that one and that, rather than being part of the solution, were the very embodiment of the problem. We are really,really sorry about that.
Article Eight: We acknowledge that, if America is about anything, it’s about immigration and assimilation. The color and ethnicity of immigrants changes over time. We apologize for reacting poorly to this fact in the recent past and promise to me more welcoming to legal immigrants in the future, no matter their color, creed or nationality. (We also took note in the last election that the votes of people of color counted just the same as the votes of white people with red necks. Duly noted.)
Article Nine: We acknowledge that, while women are equal to men in all areas of ability, there are undeniable biological differences. This is particularly true when it comes to reproduction. Men cannot get pregnant, for example. In the recent past we supported reactionary forces on the right that wished to make it difficult, if not impossible, for women to control what happens to and within their own bodies. This was wrong. In fact, we acknowledge, those restrictive measures bordered upon a massive human rights violation. We promise to, from this day forward, to shun such totally dickish behavior.
Article Ten: Finally we agree to cut all ties with groups that are or associate themselves with the low-brow movement that broadly slithers under the banner of “The Tea Party.” Furthermore we apologize to the broad American electorate for any encouragement or financial support we rendered to this collection of largely certifiable ignoramuses. We admit to embracing stupidity in an attempt to find votes from a larger demographic than just the rich and super-rich. But, since our party had had little if any entree into the world of ordinary Americans. we instead fostered a dangerous relationship with America’s lowest of the lowest denominators. We wholeheartedly apologize for that. (Besides, all that came back and bit us in the ass this November anyway.)
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